In some ways it goes against all of our instincts to allow connection, flexibility and openness drive the direction of your life overall.
Where is the gumption? What about taking charge and stepping up? What about producing “something of value” so you can be seen as a useful member of society? And don’t forget the to-do list that helps keep you always moving forward and onto the next goal. You know – some of the hallmarks of “making something of yourself” and constantly expanding.
Well, those aspects certainly DO create a future – but it’s most likely not a future you like or even want to live within.
There has long been a sense of shame around taking space, time or reflection without a SPECIFIC REASON. Sure, if you have just suffered job loss, heartbreak or are moving through illness, it’s acceptable. Maybe if you are taking a gap year in school or are on an extended vacation as newlyweds it is deemed “appropriate”. Outside of these generally socially acceptable situations, judgment seeps in not only from others, but from yourself. As a society we’ve been conditioned to look at connection, flexibility and openness as a luxury or “nice to have” rather than a group of essential tools that crack open the door to what’s on the other side of pushing and forcing, and actually create in the flow.
And I get it. I’ve lived it on and off throughout my life.
- Pushing for something I really want to achieve simply for the fact I want to without even really knowing WHY I want it or the core belief system that drives that desire – check.
- Putting myself in a position where I keep giving to certain jobs, causes, organization or people hoping for a pay-off, rather than actually continuing to ask myself – why am I doing this? Is there a connection worth having, building or growing beyond the fact it will look good for my resume or within my network?- check.
- Not understanding what I am actually creating in the big picture when I say yes to one more thing that’s an “investment in my future” without seeing any equal contribution on the other side of the equation. – check.
- Unable to connect the dots around the choices that I make – what are they actually costing my mind, body and soul in the big picture, or is it just to get to a next step of “shoulds” I’ve created for myself based on outdated thinking and fear? – check.
- Bringing in “proof” and reasons why something will or won’t work, in an effort to convince myself that staying in fear is safer than moving beyond it. – check
It’s how we all get to the next step of actually seeing our own patterns and understanding how to make specific tweaks, rather than using only generic self-help spiritual-speak or mantras.
Seeing Your Own Patterns Without Focusing On Self-Blame
The list above includes just some of the ways we all get distracted from actually going within and being honest with ourselves about the fact that connection, flexibility and openness can be terrifying as an operating system because – they offer no control. At all. There is no clear path or blueprint. Trusting yourself to know what’s best for you without following specific steps can feel wrong and uncertain. On the other hand, allowing yourself to be accountable or wrong is terrifying and may be too overwhelming to consider.
Yet, the opportunity is there for us every single day to choose connection, flexibility and openness. The opportunity to say no. Dig deeper. Follow our inner voice instead of our fear. Understand that our behaviors and thoughts may be the result of conditioning we blindly follow based on family patterns, past hurts, fears or sheer laziness of not wanting to put in the effort to change, while being scared if things DON’T stay the same. Or, all of the above and then some.
To be clear, creating the future you actually want is not all about just seeing it and creating a vision board about it. Not at all. It’s a willingness to see there is a truth to the connections, people, ideas and fears you feel, even if you’ve ignored or pretended not to see them. The flexibility you can create by softening your mindset, stance or agenda is a gift that allows you to connect more deeply with others and simplify your life. It’s not being weak or “mushy”. You also begin to see how openness, while vast and scary in some ways, is something your heart craves. You need to practice openness and flexibility in order to generate stability and thrive while life throws curve balls and punches you can’t predict or duck ahead of time. Believe me, I’ve tried that, too.
Taking the First Step to Grow a New Foundation for Inner Balance
There is always a ground zero and starting point. If you feel there’s nowhere to go but up, and you are tired of hitting the same obstacles or results, there are simple things you can ask yourself to clarify your thoughts and perspective and begin forming new patterns for yourself. Then, with clarification, you will be guided towards the next practical steps to take care of yourself, or to deeper questions that get you closer to that insight.
To build a more solid foundation for the self starts by asking:
- What do I want to create and why?
- Does this still feel good to me as an idea, belief or action?
- Can I keep this momentum, and do I want to? Can I be open with it waxing and waning without judging myself?
- Is there a way to connect more deeply to my desires bit by bit, without the expectation that acting on them is going to be anything more than a way to honestly express myself?
- Where can I be more flexible?
- How can I be more honest with the people in my life about what I want and need without feeling weak, ashamed or scared?
- Is there a place, space or practice that helps me open to beyond what I can see with my eyes, and feel into what my whole self to release, express, or create?
- What am I feeling? Why do I feel this way? Do I want to do anything about it?
In the bigger picture, we are all getting schooled by 2020. The external ongoing crap show is hard to see, and even more excruciating to comprehend, as each day we witness more things that are painful, broken and in dire need of change with no solutions beyond connection, flexibility and openness as an answer.
Personally I’ve been completely humbled by 2020. There are things I had no idea I was practicing, thinking, or doing that do not serve me AT ALL. What I was accepting as “good enough” compared to what I was giving to others was beyond laughable. I was not aware of the ways I was operating on auto-pilot or the outdated beliefs I was maintaining simply because they were learned coping mechanisms that kept me focused on all of the things going wrong and ways or not to my expectation and ways to “fix” them, instead of what was going right.
My point is – there’s power in clarity and knowledge. We know what’s broken – it’s a neon light flashing directly into our face 24 hours a day. We also know that we can’t solve what’s happening with the same old methods. The only way forward is to be open to connection, flexibility and openness to help create a future you actually want on a personal level and a large scale moving forward. I’m ready to fully see – eyes and heart wide open. Are you?
Interested in reading more blogs on a similar topic? Check out Time To Break Ties With What is No Longer Your Truth, For Good and Explore and Define What Keeps You Rooted In The Present and Within Yourself or Creating New Order Out of Chaos. Interested in connecting with me 1-1? Connect with me here. Like podcasts? Check out mine, Flirting With Enlightenment.