There is a very distinct difference between forming a true connection with a person compared to creating an alliance with someone out of convenience. The challenge is that people struggle with discerning the subtleties of each, and this leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings and relationships that are a mismatch in terms of the energy exchange. It doesn’t mean every connection is required to feel personally fulfilling all the time, but tuning in to how each connection plays out is like having lots of little mirrors showing you something about yourself.
So are you liking the reflections you see and feel?
If you are tired of connections that have promising beginnings but empty endings, I’ve put together a list of a few things to look out for when evaluating relationships. These general scenarios are aimed at helping you fine tune how you want to connect in more authentic, meaningful ways. It will also give you some insight into whether some current connections are driven by convenience or loneliness rather than true, heartfelt connection.
Common Misunderstandings in Relationship and Choosing Yourself First
Here are a few general “connection scenarios” that will give you a clearer sense of what I’m getting at when reviewing the state of your current relationships. The biggest clue with any personal connection is how it makes you feel. You just need to figure out if it’s something you want to learn from, work on or release.
1. Situation: You meet someone and passionately connect over a particular idea or cause and assume they have the same level of integrity as you do. As it turns out, their passion quickly fades, their dedication dwindles with each passing week, especially when it comes to deadlines or personal efforts for a group cause.
Fact: In essence, the truth of what you connected over is very real and authentic, but that may be the only aspect that brings you together.
Next Step: Once you realize this, it’s easier to create boundaries that feel more in alignment with the type of relationship you want. Don’t let a desire to bond more deeply “just for the sake of it” take over. It’s also important to know when to cut someone loose altogether and what those boundaries look like for you.
2. Situation: A friend or acquaintance always asks you to go to events or join groups so they don’t have to be alone, and heavily rely on you as a safety net. You don’t particularly enjoy participating in these outings and when you try and say no, they either take it personally, lay a guilt trip on you, or try to badger you into going, making you feel torn.
Fact: This person is relying on you to feel safe, but it’s not your job to fulfill that role for them. You can offer support or insight, but ultimately this connection needs to be a two-way street where both sides feel valued.
Next Step: Sometimes people are unaware their behavior is causing this kind of friction, so it can help to talk about it, even if it feels uncomfortable to do so. If their reaction is negative or they appear hurt, it might be time to give the relationship some space to see if time can help things shift, or reevaluate why and if that connection is something you still want to support for yourself.
3. Situation: An old friend only calls when they want something, otherwise you never hear from them.
Fact: You may have grown apart, and that’s OK. They may also be moving through something big emotionally and aren’t sure how to talk about it with you.
Next Step: You need to evaluate if you are connected with someone out of obligation or desire. When you make that choice for yourself, you can then reconnect in a new way without any set rules or expectations on the relationship, and it will take its natural course.
4. Situation: You have a talent or interest similar to others in your community, but you don’t feel comfortable when socializing within that community or like you fit in.
Fact: There’s one of two things at play here; you don’t feel as if you are worthy enough to connect with a powerful community of folks with similar skills and talents, or you feel the group itself is not authentic or integrous in how they show up.
Next Step: This situation is a bit more involved when it comes to how you use it for self evaluation. It’s important to really know where you stand in terms of your own self-esteem and worthiness, and if that is perhaps holding you back from connecting. On the other hand, if you’ve made the effort but often experience a feeling of emptiness or drain after connecting with people in a specific community, it’s probably not a good fit for you — even if you are feeling lonely. The right connections will come, if you are clear on what feels right for you. Don’t keep going just because you are unable to find something better in the moment.
What Internal Changes Mean for your Inner Circle
At some point, all your thinking and feeling needs to segue into action. Each and every person and situation you encounter shows you the truth of what you desire, what to release, and what to shift within to more closely align with the caliber of people that reflect your true inner awesome. It doesn’t always appear as a clear black and white choice, which is why it’s so important to connect with how you feel in the relationship itself on a regular basis.
Taking action might mean shifting the dynamic in some relationships or releasing others altogether, as well as being more aware of the type of connections you find supportive. Just keep in mind that true connections don’t need to fill each and every need and desire you have, but they do need to feel loving and supportive when it’s most important. Staying in one out of habit or unwillingness to change will only keep you feeling out of balance and unsure of where your true connections lie.
What are some insights that work for you in finding true, authentic connections? What have you found disappointing that shows up frequently for you?
Photo credit: Moonty, icedcappucinos