Creative Katrina

Photo by Joshjanssen

It happens in a second. Sometimes in a millisecond. You aren’t stunned as much as you are completely unprepared and confused, but at the same time, it all just clicks. Then you begin to  realize, oh yea…this is the new truth. And life will be forever different.

But don’t go automatically thinking I mean this in a negative context, or that it’s the result of some big, mind blowing event. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. This new reality is freedom. It’s growth. It’s the idea that life can evolve differently through the new understanding you now have. And it all happened in a fraction of a moment.

So the real question is, when reality slaps you in the face, do you slap back? Or do you open up to the new?

As a very passionate lady, sometimes my first reaction is just that, very passionate. After a few deep breaths, I can come back to my truth. I understand my own power and know when my power or value is not being appreciated. I also understand that striking back does not make me more powerful. Drawing new, very clear, much more defined boundaries is actually what enables the table to shift, and it’s the ultimate transmission of the power from the experience into something transforming instead of limiting.

Are there sometimes hurt feelings? Sure. A sense of loss or grieving? Absolutely. Is there a feeling of fear about what’s next? Of course!

But there is also relief in knowing the struggle is over, and that your perspective can now be refreshed and ready to create a new way for life to show up by drawing better, clearer, stronger boundaries.

Good Boundaries Makes Decisions Easier and Clearer AND you Feel Better

Sometimes the idea of boundaries comes across as negative because it seems like you are creating giant fences to keep out the “baddies”. Well, that’s one way to look at it. The way I see it, it’s an opportunity to create something better, faster, and cleaner that feels good and gives you a clear sense of where your joy is in the moment.

When your boundaries are clear about work, love, money, relationships, collaborations, living arrangements (bla bla bla), life is much easier to navigate and a lot less scary. You know where you stand, and if you need to speak up or back off. Even better, you stop providing good “breeding grounds” for explosive situations because you realize the combination of things that create them in the first place. And you also know when something is just not a fit.

Most importantly, you feel more confident and grounded in your own inner knowing by clearing out a lot unnecessary confusion and doubt with clear, well articulated boundaries. It’s like creating the rules of the road for you own life, except they can change and grow with you as you do.

Create Boundaries that Feel Healthy and Light

Not sure how to begin to create boundaries? Start by looking at what bothers you or where you feel discomfort in dealing with people, situations or ideas. Pay attention to what makes you feel positive or what drains you, then make note of consistent patterns.

Then write a new “script” centered around what brings you joy, and take action. Work around or eliminate the things that bug you as much as possible, and then find new ways to be OK with the ones that still do. Boundaries are not so much about eliminating every annoyance and inconvenience, as they are a way to create a better “strainer” that filters out the unnecessary parts, so you can focus on what’s important, pretty or not.

The most important part is to make the first effort in doing something different or voicing different ideas, because no one is going to do that work for you. And of course, definitely drop the drama queens in your life. You already know who they are!

So what’s your most important boundary? How has life shifted for you since you’ve put it into action?

Photo by CJ Isherwood

It’s common knowledge that allowing space and time around difficult situations, people or important life decisions is a simple way to provide new perspective. Lettin’ it ride takes the pressure off, releases the emotion from a situation and gives it a breath of fresh air, allowing new insights time to take root. That’s what being a mature adult is all about, knowing when to say when – so to speak.

But when does letting the path to something emerge on it’s own turn into old fashioned avoidance? There is a distinct difference between doing NOTHING and letting things flow naturally. And yes, I’m perfectly aware that sounds confusing.

So….let’s kick that around a bit.

When you are clear within, you know your boundaries, likes and dislikes and what makes you happy (yes, a life long exploration and your answers will constantly change). You can easily distinguish the right amount of time you may need to relax into something; letting it mature organically. You’re also fully aware if all the necessary information required to make an informed decision may not be available yet, and something in your gut tells you to sit on it a while until things smooth out on their own. Most importantly, you are actively taking time alone to explore possibilities and new truths within, without putting pressure or guilt on yourself or blaming others.

In the opposite corner of the ring is our old friend fear, pouring on guilt, anxiety and feelings of frustration as you do anything and everything to avoid thinking about a person or situation. Immediate reactions are often to hide, disassociate and avoid altogether, doing anything else – usually escapist activities such as drinking, drugs, caffeine, sex, video games, excessive working out – (insert your dalliance here). Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily; everyone needs some sort of release in order work through frustration, but if that soon turns into the only thing you are doing, than you are wearing your avoidance sombrero and slurping down the tequila worm on the regular.

And of course, let’s not leave out obsessive thinking or worry, because those can make us FEEL like we are actually doing something, but in reality, it’s a way to keep us confused and in a cycle of avoidance. It’s one of the easiest patterns to slip into and holds us hostage in multiple ways, not to mention the stress it puts on the mind and body.

So what’s the best way to sift through the mind muck and get down to business?

Take out time for “personal processing” — allowing yourself to feel whatever emotion comes up. Anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, longing (insert endless emotional choices) come in waves, and they want to be acknowledged. If you don’t create space or private time to let them go, they manifest into major confusion and over time, stress, illness and disease. All avoidance does is make the things you don’t want to see more intense and scary to deal with in the long run.

The truth is, the only path to real change is straight into the chaos. And the more open and honest you can be with yourself in the moment, the more you realize that you are not run by emotions or the things the wish you avoid, if you let them have a way to move on.

Getting to the heart of balance is most tricky when you can’t see outside your own mind and try to avoid getting into the muck. The most important thing to understand is that balance is a moment by moment experience – and you will find a way to make it part of your every day life if you allow, release and grow to a new level of patience and understanding of yourself.

Photo: Sheba_Also

People strive for safety. It drives most if not all our choices, even at the most subconscious of levels, and soon turns into habit. This inherent desire to be comfy, safe and protect ourselves is very instinctual and seems relatively harmless, but can easily transition into a block or challenge in various areas of life.

In my work as a writer and healer, time after time I see people who have no idea that their habits and personal boundaries may be causing limitations or frustrations in their creativity, love life or career. For some reason, they can’t connect the dots or see how one is related to the other. Auto pilot and comfort can seem like fabulous friends, when in reality, they are actually keeping you tied down, feeling helpless and frustrated.

And we all do it. Each and every one of us. Family dynamics set you up to operate a certain way in the world, and paired with personal experiences and struggles, shape you as a person, creating your view of what is safe or uncomfortable. The challenge is, most people are itching to point the finger at anything and anyone else besides their own thinking and actions.

Jumping Along the Habit Trail

People also hide in habits. They are safe and mindless. And not all habits are bad. But if they are making things difficult in your life and cause you a lot of pain and emotional frustration when faced with changing them, then that’s an uber red flag you may be acting your own worst enemy. It’s time to open up to transition and embrace change.

Before I come off sounding like a motivational speaker or self-help guru, let me make one thing clear – there is NOTHING more challenging than seeing your own crap. Really looking at it; taking the courage to see what’s working within yourself and in your dynamic with others. But one of the things I think holds people back most is romanticizing the past, thinking it can continue to fulfill them in the same ways as they move through life. That includes habits. Habits that worked for you before, making you feel safe, comfy or protected, can transition into stunting your personal evolution, fulfillment and happiness.

Time to Change the Tires 

Change is part of every aspect of life; the seed that sparks innovation and revolution. It’s where great stories come from; it’s the key to how we learn, grow and expand our mind to the next level of the human experience.

And things in your life can seem really terrible when you don’t see them as necessary change, and instead view them as threats to your safety and current way of being.

What we really need to be thinking about are the boundaries around behavior. How do you LET people treat you? What are you willing to let slide, and what do you stand up for? Where do you draw the line at helping others, and instead turn that loving, nurturing energy loose on yourself? How may you be holding yourself back or letting others do the same?

To me, changing habits is more important now than ever, as we sit on the brink of transformation as a nation, as a human race and as part of a global evolution. What are you ready to release, change or experience differently? Are you ready to be the best, most kickass version of yourself that you can be in this very moment?

Photo by sheriffmiller on Flickr

Expansion. It’s a fun word because of all its potential implications. You can expand your business, your outreach, your waistline with multiple cookies, your horizons or…expand your MIND. They all sound like fabulous ideas (ok, maybe not ALL of them). But what does the term expansion really mean?

By definition, expansion is the act of getting larger or spreading out; the condition of being expanded; dilation; enlargement. It also means the space through which anything is expanded; pure space. Gotta love definitions that use the root word as part of the explanation. Kind of…confusing. But I digress.

So, let’s jump to the most important point about the act of expansion. It cannot take place without a catalyst.

Finding Your Catalyst

Moving beyond current limitations or space constrictions (aka expansion) does not take place all on its own. There needs to be a reason, a touch point, an incident that makes you think twice, makes you aware that the state you are living in no longer suits your needs and desires. Then you begin to consider the options and start poking holes in the old snake skin to reveal the fresh new layer of truth beneath.

This awareness can come on during your train ride, in the shower, as you push yourself along the crowded sidewalk or while your mother is bitching at you for the millionth time about God knows what. That is the coolest part. Sometimes you know its coming, sometimes it just slaps you at a million miles an hour, right in the face between the ol’ peepers.

So while you are looking for ways to spend time this year, why not just let your mind wander to the what ifs. Expand your ideas, your horizons and your dreams, and leave the to-do list for later. It will still be there when you are finished having a go at some creative day dreaming.

No Boundaries No Expectations

I encourage you to mentally expand into all of what could be if time, experience, money or other social details were not a factor, if you had the chance to do it all how you really wanted to, calling in all the unicorns, gummy bears and love you can wrangle.

The most important part to remember is that truly sculpting the vision and details of your perfect life in a way that feels amazing for you does not have a time limit or finish line. Real winners choose to let their mind wander in all the juicy, vibrant details they can muster, showing up whenever it feels right, their way, without a particular finish line in sight. They trust their skills and their gut to know when to make the right moves in the moment, because they have taken the time to daydream about all the possibilities.